Everyday Uses of the Bitchface

If you follow gymnastics, you might have heard of the “bitchface”.  It’s that bitchy look that the prima donna gymnasts wear right before or even during competition.  Some girls have it, some girls don’t.  I personally love the bitchface- not necessarily every gymnast that possesses one, but I still respect the face.

Svetlana Boginskaya- the best bitchface ever?

If you’re like me, you might possess a bitchface, but not have any elite level gymnastics competitions coming up to throw the skill in.  And it can get really boring and annoying, throwing that trick time and time again in practice, but never in competition.  Don’t worry though, I’ve come up with an acceptable real-life scenario in which a bitchface is perfectly acceptable!

Public Transportation

Earlier, I wrote about practicing your gymnastics in places such as the bus system. While you’re at it, you may as well throw one of your best bitchfaces before you exit the bus.  Lightrail and subways are also great modes of transportation to sport a bitchface.

This is like the bus I like to use my best bitchface on.

There are some terrific benefits to be gained by using a bitchface on your morning commute.  Take my morning commute, for instance.  I am always the last person on the bus with a seat left open next to me.  Usually I can get people to stand in the aisle rather than sit by me.  Just as soon as anyone walks back towards me, I put on my best bitchface, and no one** dares sit next to me.  It must work well, as I’m generally a friendly person, and I don’t think of myself as very intimidating.  I mean really, when was the last time you were intimidated by a that quiet, shy, blond girl minding her own business?

**Except this one time, when some mother fu**** decided to sit next to me with her goddamned peach yogurt.  That pissed me off, as peach yogurt may be one of my least favorite foods, and I literally have a gag reflex for it.

Best Bitchfaces?

If you want to try out my trick, but you’re still not sure about your own bitchface, look to the pros.  Here are some queens of the bitchface.  Most Soviet gymnasts had some level of bitchface, and a lot of the Romanians had their own version too.  I’ll list a few of my favorites.

The Classic:  Svetlana Boginskaya.  No one does it quite like her.

The Indifferent: Gina Gogean.  She had the icy indifferent look down.  And it worked too, just ask her countless medals.

The Diva: Svetlana Khorkina.  No questions asked.  That bitch was in charge.

Recently, Nastia Liukin has been cited as having a good one, but I’m not a huge fan of her, so I don’t really enjoy hers.  Don’t listen to anyone who tells you Shawn Johnson has a good one, because all that dimwit does is smile like a dog chasing its own tail.  As of recent, I have enjoyed Aliya Mustafina’s confident look.  She might not be a “diva” like Elfi tries to convince us, but she does have a pretty good bitchface.  I wouldn’t mess with her.  Plus, homegirl gets the job done.

Russian Mafia Releases Kramarenko

For all those who were involved in the search-and-rescue efforts surrounding Ekaterina Kramarenko, rest assured knowing that she is back and doing well in the world of gymnastics.

Kramarenko at the 2008 Olympics

2008 Olympian Ekaterina Kramarenko was kidnapped sometime after the Olympics, held hostage by the Russian mafia. Kramarenko suffered much fallout among the Russian gymnastics community after she scratched her vault in the team finals of the 2007 world gymnastics championships, dropping the Russian delegation from medal contention into last place. Russian political leader and ex-gymnast Svetlana Khorkina ordered the mafia to hold Kramarenko in a remote area of Siberia after she reportedly took Elena Zamolodchikova’s place on the Russian gymnastics squad.  Khorkina and Zamolodchikova, who were former teammates, shared a long relationship, and Khorkina claims she was only trying to help a friend.

Ekaterina was unavailable for question regarding her months in captivity, but sources reveal that she was locked away in the frigid plains of Siberia for nearly 9 months.  Rumors circulating that she lost extremities appear to be false, as she has returned to competition and was seen with all limbs intact.

Most recently, Ekaterina Kramarenko was seen at the 2011 Russian Cup, where she competed the all-around, qualifying top ten, and finishing in 7th place.  Unfortunately, she, like Anna Pavlova, was not considered for the Russian delegation’s 2011 World squad, despite good results.  She placed ahead of fellow 2008 teammates, Anna Pavlova and Ksenia Semenova, who placed 8th and 9th respectively.  Tatiana Nabieva and Maria Paseka did not compete the all-around, however they are being considered for the upcoming world championships.

Watch Kramarenko’s vault from the 2011 Russian Cup:

Also watch her perform at the 2010 Zakharova Cup:

Beam:

Bars:

Now let’s take some time to reflect on my readers.  Apparently I am more convincing than I thought I was, as one comment under her beam routine at the Zakharova cup read:

“I read on a gymnastics website saying tht she was cacputred by a mofia and two of her toes and one finger was cut off all because she took zamo spot on the olympic team in 2008 is this true?” -gymnist2009

An observant viewer replied:

“@gymnist2009 I hardly doubt that. Looking closely at the video she has all her fingers.” -liukin95

…figures, it’s a Nastia fan…

I just wonder, how can someone read this and still believe I am a reputable reporter?  For the record, some of my articles are MADE UP!! Wow.  Surprising, huh?

-Lena

Comparing Softball to Gymnastics

It’s like comparing A-Sac to Omelianchik

If you asked me for the two most different sports I could think of, those might just be softball and gymnastics. I have participated in both sports, but I only reached a high level of competition in softball, probably because I’m 6 feet tall, and not 4 foot 10.

Don’t get me wrong, I love softball, but I don’t actually consider it a sport.  A sport is something that takes immense strength and control over your body.  Softball requires some coordination, and for positions like pitcher (like me!) you get a little bit of a workout, but it mostly involves standing around.  I love the strategy of the game, and I when I pitch, I like the control I have over the game.  Pitching mostly comes down to how and when I flick my wrist, so I can’t honestly say that I’m exercising.  Unfortunately, many a softball player believes that softball is indeed a sport (and a form of cardio).

Dick's Drive-In

This is why the vast majority of softball players are fat.  I know first hand how easy it is to gain weight during softball season.  Three hour practices combined with my school, homework, and three hour flute practice sessions, means that I have no time to swim (aka work out), and I find myself fatter than before I started. Coaches also love to take you out to ice cream and burgers after games, so the entire team can get fat together.  It’s horrible.  I bet no gymnastics team heads over Dick’s Drive-In after a meet.  I know the swim team sure as hell never did.

Gymnastics is about precision and control over your body.  It takes extreme flexibility, strength, and agility.  Gymnastics is also an art form (as long as you’re not American).  The strain placed on gymnasts bodies also means that gymnasts often face severe injuries though.  You’d be surprised, but some of these injuries also pop up in softball, so I’d like to take you through two ACL tears, one of which I witnessed in person, and one of which I saw on video.

The Tears

Aliya Mustafina

If you watched the European Championships, you’ll remember that the up-and-coming star, and current world champion, Aliya Mustafina, tore her ACL on her first vault of the all around competition.  Aliya performed her normally dynamic, but somewhat sloppy Amanar, landing terribly and tearing her ACL.  She managed to stick the vault, getting the highest score of the meet before she collapsed, fighting the tears of pain. I was literally gutted when this happened. I’m still in a little bit of shock that Mustafina will most likely not compete until 2012.

In contrast, a girl on my softball team tore her ACL during a game once.  I was not gutted, and in fact had to fight laughter.  This sounds terrible, but if you knew the girl and her family, you would understand.   This family is perhaps THE largest family I have EVER met.  They are all morbidly obese, and have absolutely no shame about it.  They talk about food like it’s going out of style.  They’re loud and obnoxious, and only care about themselves and food.  They plan getting to games around which burger place they can stop at– Before AND after the game.

Getting back to the ACL injury that I witnessed, this girl is playing catcher, and I’m pitching.  I’m somewhat frustrated because she yet again fails to place her mitt over the corner of the plate.  She nearly drops my pitch, and the runner on second base starts to head towards third base, so what does she do but run out and chase her.  Well, this probably scares the little girl on second that some huge girl in full catcher’s gear is chasing her, so she heads back to where she started from.  At this point she decides to throw the ball to second, but her front foot gets stuck and the momentum of her throw causes her entire body weight to come crashing down on her knee.  I’m confused as fuck when she drops to the ground and starts screaming bloody murder. No one can figure out what is wrong, until it becomes obvious that her knee is in pain.  When she can’t stand up it becomes apparent that this is a serious injury, and I, being the insensitive asshole I am, try to keep from rolling my eyes, because this girl just fucking tore her ACL throwing a goddamn ball.

A typical "power" hitter- EVERY softball team has a fat girl.

Let this be a warning to gymnasts – I’m looking at you A-Sac – to watch their weight, as excess weight can make you more injury prone.  The Romanians and Russians understand this concept very well.

So there’s not much point to this story, except that I want to wish Aliya a good recovery (she recently returned to Round Lake!) and I wanted to vent about fat, annoying catchers now that I’ve played a few softball games this year.  I’ve been MIA for the past few months because I was beyond busy during Spring Quarter.  I “4.0″ed my English and Art History classes though!  (Haha don’t judge my writing here–it’s nowhere near as good as I’m capable of… and I’m pretty good at bullshitting my way through humanities classes)  I’m still stressed to the max trying to decide if I’ll stay here in Seattle for school or transfer down to USC (I was supposed to answer on June 1st, but I’m sort of buying myself some extra time).  Anyways, Aliya looked much better tearing her ACL than our catcher did.  Hopefully I can find something better to write about too!

-Lena

MIOBI Is Back…

Everyone’s favorite show Make It Or Break It returns this Monday!

MIOBI girls

ABC Family knew they had a winner when they were pitched the idea of a teen gymnastics show.  They probably saw Stick It and thought they could make a pretty cool TV show.  Unfortunately it was ABC Family who picked up the idea of a gymnastics show. Let’s see why MIOBI, well breaks it. (Spoiler alert….not that I really remember anything anyways) I also apologize for my poor train of thought, but it’s hard when the show makes Gossip Girl look like the Discovery Channel.

1. 

   Real gymnasts don't have boobs.

   Whoever cast the MIOBI girls has obviously never seen an elite gymnast.  Of the four main girls, only Kaylie looks remotely like a gymnast (I’m talking bodies here).  I’m not one to judge body type, especially in Hollywood, but when you’re making a gymnastics show, you’ve just got to bite the bullet and get some in-shape and underweight girls. I mean, it would be one thing if these actresses were well known commodities or great at actual acting, but they’re not, so I see no reason to hire these out of shape and overweight girls to play GYMNASTS.   I mean, seriously, when I look more like an elite gymnast than they do that’s pretty bad (and I’m 6 feet tall!).

2. Now I understand that as an ongoing show they are unable to really hire any elite gymnasts to do stunt work, like in a movie such as Stick It, but to call the skills they do Olympic level is just laughable.  Most of these skills wouldn’t even make it to the 1988 Olympics.  I believe one of the main stunt workers was one of the greatest NCAA gymnasts in history, but her glory days were in the early 1990s, so that’s really not all that impressive.  I kind of let this one slip just because they hardly show any gymnastics anyways.
3. So the main point of this show isn’t really gymnastics.  I’m not really positive, but to take my best guess I’d say sex? Or maybe just bitchiness and stupidity?  I don’t know, but I DO know that DJ Tanner from Full House plays the born-again-Christian-kinda-but-not-really-a-gym-mom.  She makes some stupid speech about abstinence (nice Christian bias ABC Family!).  Meanwhile one of the girls Lauren is whoring it up having sex all the time.  The other girls bitch about sex, but it’s really because they can’t get any.
4. In one episode, the girls face off against the Chinese team.  The Chinese enter is little red and yellow school girl uniforms, complete with (French?) berets.  The writers obviously haven’t actually paid attention to gymnastics since the Olympics because then they’d know that China was in an in-between sort of year and the Russians are on an upward spiral, but I wouldn’t expect them to actually watch any gymnastics.  What a silly idea.
5. 

   Nastia hawking subway

   They do know that Nastia was a pretty great gymnast though!  So they hire her to hawk Subway sandwiches.  Ha you thought she could do gymnastics for a gymnastics show?  LOLOLOLOL (I know that’s immature internet/texting stuff, but it seems to fit the maturity level of MIOBI).  They also get some good ol’ American girls like Carly to make a video to encourage the cripple Peyson (she broke her back).

6. I just have to laugh at the overall absurdity of this show.  For instance, the coach at “The Rock” is named Sasha Belov.  Sounds Russian right? No, actually he’s Romanian.  (WTF?!) But better yet, he has a British accent.  In the last episode we find out his father is actually Bela Karolyi, who makes a brief cameo, so he can polish up his appearance and get a chance to show how nice he really is. How could they forget Marta?
7. In the first season, the supposedly great Peyson breaks her back.  It’s supposed to be inoperable, but of course there’s some new cure.  So she tries to comeback, but she’s taller and can’t get her “power skills” back (yeah, that tucked tsuk was pretty hardcore!), so she has to become an “artistic” gymnast (what the hell, I thought she competed in artistic gymnastics).  So she comes back with some god-awful swan lake routine, with her only acrobatic element being a front aerial. She of course makes the “Worlds” team.
8. All the rock girls made the “worlds” team.  Even cripple Peyson (without competing bars, beam, vault, or any tumbling), and Kaylie pending her eating disorder.
9. 

   There's no such thing as lo-cal cheesecake. But watch out, if you avoid cheesecake, you might be anorexic!

   Kaylie has an eating disorder because she doesn’t eat her cheesecake at The Rock banquet.  You know it’s bad when a gymnast doesn’t eat cheesecake. Yeah right, what elite gymnast eats a 600 calorie dessert?  And better yet, what gym serves it.  Then she’s working out constantly, because that’s pretty unusual in gymnastics.

10. Charity-case Emily has a hooker mother, wheel chair bound brother, AND she has to dress in old leotards.  That seems a little cruel.  I also wonder how the hell she managed to become “elite” level at a YWCA without a real coach.  They took the Nadia story of being discovered on a playground, but unlike Nadia, who was discovered when she was six, Emily has to wait until she’s 16, or whatever age she is. I’d say it’s a bit too late.

There’s a lot more wrong with MIOBI than just that, but that would require me to actually think about it and possibly even rewatch some of that shit.  So, I’ll just let you discover that on your own.

MIOBI in general makes gymnastics look like a joke, so I can’t wait to see what they do next.

This isn’t from MIOBI, but it’s from its sister show The Secret Life of the American Teenager, which is actually worse, and so bad that it’s funny.  It’s only about sex though.  I mean seriously, they just say “sex” the entire show.  It’s like they think it will make it more impressive or something.

-Lena

Once a Scam, Always a Scam

Yesterday was the Nastia Liukin SuperGirl Cup and today was the American Cup.  It made for a very exciting weekend.  Needless to say I have some rants and raves.

Nastia Liukin Supergirl Cup

I confess that I didn’t watch the entire Nastia Cup, but from what I saw, and I think most people have been saying is that the entire thing is a bit ridiculous.  I won’t go on too much because I could rant for way too long…

It’s touted as providing an opportunity for Level 10s to compete on a podium, but it’s ended up being a competition for a bunch of lower performing elites and former elites.  For heaven’s sake, Kayla Williams? A former world champion was allowed to compete?  I mean really? Come on, she has most DEFINITELY competed on a podium, and won a freaking world GOLD medal.  I’m sure she’s been to camp with Nastia, so I doubt she actually cared about meeting Nastia, or really felt special competing on a podium.

Tim made some comment about some girl having the “perfect little gymnast body”.  Right after Kayla Williams went.  If you haven’t seen her since 2009, then just know this, she’s about twice the size she used to be.  Which isn’t a big problem since she’s no longer elite, but made Tim sound like a complete jackass.

I think Grace Williams won, I’m not sure.  I don’t really care.  Let’s move on to the good stuff.

SCAM

All your favorites, like Nastia and Alicia were there! Plus they awarded the Magnificent 7 (minus Dawes) some award or something.  They were all dressed up and all gathered together, then at the end you finally see Kerri Strug in plain black hidden behind them.  Poor Kerri, she looked underdressed and left out, plus she somehow managed to be way shorter than a bunch of other ex-gymnasts.

The prying Andrea Joyce interviewed Nastia.  Nastia claims she is training, but avoids questions about returning to competition. And despite all the claims made over at the IG forums, she does NOT look like she’s lost that much weight.  So we’ll see.

Francine from Arthur

Andrea also interviewed Alicia.  She hasn’t lost weight either, but she didn’t for Beijing, so I doubt she will now.  Did anyone else notice that she looked exactly like Francine from the PBS kids show Arthur? I used to love that show, but I never thought I’d see a real life Francine!

The first really inappropriate comment of the day came from Al.  Ha no surprise.  The Mag 7 were all dressed up for their award, especially Little Moceanu.  What Al had to say: “We’re not getting a good look at Dominique’s dress!”.  In a creepy Al sort of way, like when he said, “Look at her take that slender, balletic body, and just.. bend it!” (about Nastia at the Olympics).

The terrible trio went on to talk about Aliya being a diva pretty much all day.  When she was on bars they said Alexandrov called her a hard to work with and thought she wouldn’t get any easier.  Elfi said, “Oh, women!”.  Way to make women proud Elfi!

They also kept trying to pronounce Mustafina correct all day.  It’s supposed to sound something like “moos-TA-fee-na”. They kind of got it. Al said Mustafa several times; kind of like Mufasa from the Lion King.  Al was having a hard day though, he called Svetlana Khorkina “Svetleena”.  Al also called Jordyn Wieber “Jordyn Bieber”.  Come to think of it, maybe that’s no mistake and she’s actually related to Bieber.

Mustafina vs. Bieber

As far as results went, Jordyn Wieber won on the women’s side and Jon Horton won for the third consecutive time on the men’s side.  Yawn.  I wanted the Ukrainian guy and Mustafina to win, but once a SCAM, always a SCAM.  The good part (women’s) was a Wieber/Mustafina battle.  Wieber won, but I’m not convinced she’s the better gymnast.

Vault:

Jordyn performed a nice amanar, cleaner than Mustafina’s.

Aliya’s amanar was messier, but she wasn’t planning on throwing one, so kudos to her for being able to hit without training it.

Bars:

Aliya had a beautiful bar set.  Her bars was by far the highlight of the entire meet.  I think her tkachev even had a little more height than it used to, but maybe I’m just crazy.

Jordyn fell on her tkachev.  She got the same score as Aly Raisman on bars.  I don’t know whether that reflects how weak Ali is on bars, or how much Jordyn was over scored.  Jordyn is not a natural bar worker.  I know she made upgrades, but I still can’t stand her bars.

The bars is where the terrible trio really went on and on about Aliya’s “diva behavior”.  I’m just not seeing it.  Sure, she’s a little difficult in the gym, but she’s a teenage girl and most 16 year olds are divas if that’s what you’re measuring by.  They were hard on her because she said she has no idols.  Since when does that make you a diva?  Aliya believes in herself, and she’s confident.  She hasn’t shown bad sportsmanship, and she’s the glue of the Russian team. How is that being a diva?

Beam:

Jordyn was very clean here, but she lacked amplitude.  She didn’t have any real wobbles and had a great standing full.  She just lacks the “it” factor here. Even though it was near flawless, I was bored.

Aliya had some bobbles, but she stayed on.  The major improvement I saw here though was she made her connections.  That was her main weakness at worlds.  She went over time at the dismount, but she’s upgraded her routine, and with some more polish she’ll be great here.  She’s still as solid as ever.

Floor:

Aliya has new choreography! It’s great.  At first I thought “ooo it’s kind of Khorkina-esque” but I rewatched it and it’s definitely all her own.  Aliya rocked it.  She went for full difficulty and opened with a brand new 3.5 twist!  She had her normal leg crossing, but she was fully rotated, and that is a HARD skill. She came right back with her lovely double arabian.  She fell though on her 2-1/2 combination pass. She wasn’t quite in the right position to come out of the 2-1/2, so she tucked a barani out and fell.  It was quite unfortunate, because she had a great routine going.  She kept going though and landed a nice triple full to finish.  She probably shouldn’t have gone for broke, but it shows how much guts she has, and I’m sure she’ll get her tumbling together before the next competition.  I think she just didn’t have enough adrenaline here.  She looked a little tired.

Jordyn had a huge hop out of her double-double and went right out of bounds.  I thought that this was enough to keep her in second place.  Then she came back with a huge step out of her triple twist.  I thought she was out for sure now.  The rest of the routine was fine, but I hate her dance.  Wieber just doesn’t do it for me. She’s a definite butt wiggler and shelver. Yuck. Unfortunately this is the American Cup, so she still received a 14.900! She got a 9.000 execution score! Really? I mean, she had two huge steps and an out of bounds! She shouldn’t have even scored this high if she stayed in bounds.  In comparison, her nearly flawless beam had a 9.2-something execution score, which under this scoring system, is about right.  Her floor routine was nowhere near as good.

But I’m over it, SCAM doesn’t mean much outside America.  Both Aliya and Wieber fell, so it’s not like it really told us that much.  Nothing really changed.  I still love Aliya and hate Wieber.

The others

I actually felt kind of sorry for Raisman, because she was the only one who actually hit, and she still got fucked over by Wieber and Mustafina because her bars are apparently as bad a fall and she didn’t throw an Amanar.  Poor girl.  I know her bars suck, but I still think they should score better than Wieber’s with a fall.  And they barely showed Huang Quishang, who was beautiful except for her two falls on beam.

What this all really means

Watch out Wieber... like SCAM means anything! Ha!

Like I said, Scam really doesn’t mean much outside of America.  This was Wieber’s big senior debut, and even though she won, she fell.  Mustafina is just gearing up for a long season.  She’s probably more focused ahead for Euros.  Also, Komova wasn’t in the mix.

I think both the Russians can beat Wieber.  They have the difficulty, better artistry, and I think Komova is as clean as Wieber.  Mustafina has proven to be a mental giant.  Komova is untested as a senior, but has been one as a junior.  Wieber fell at her senior debut.  So when Worlds rolls around, I’ll be surprised if I see Wieber in 1st.

-Lena

Scam is Just Around the Corner

Wait, they’re letting good gymnasts come?

The American Cup, better known as SCAM, will be taking place this Saturday.  I will be studying for finals (hopefully), but will you be watching?  It should be a decent show this year since the FIG stepped in and made it a World Cup event.  That is, until the Americans manage to somehow corrupt it.

In 2009, like usual, the American invited a bunch of young unseasoned girls to compete against their new little dynamo, Jordyn Wieber, who was going to win no matter what.

Here’s the commentary from Youna Dufournet’s beam routine at the 2009 American Cup (Done by the terrible trio minus Al, who is  replaced by some no name guy):

Lots of yabbering over a nice routine so far, complaints about Youna’s flexibility, then Youna falls.

Tim: Ohhhh and that is–

Elfi interrupts.

Elfi: Adding an extra two tenths to a fall, so from–

Tim talks over Elfi.

Tim: Disaster.

Elfi continues talking over Tim.

Elfi: –point eight to one full point.

Some more yabbering, Elfi oohhs over Nastia’s “beauty”, then Youna falls again.

Tim: Boy, this is amazing–

Elfi interrupts.

Elfi: Lots of falls.

Tim: Yeah, you know it’s not just, typically you see a fall here or there, but uh–

Elfi interrupts again.

Elfi: Two.

Tim: Yeah, you don’t see athletes coming off the beam twice at this level of competition.

More yabber, and Youna falls again.

Elfi: Yikes, that’s three.

Unknown third guy chimes in with a report on Jordyn Wiebers obscene lead.

Routine continues, Tim says she’ll have close to four points deducted, maybe more, Elfi yaks about her messing up dance elements, and Youna dismounts- a double pike with a low landing and leap forward.

Tim: Yeah, we’ve been watching that all week long, and frankly I don’t think she’s capable of doing that yet.

Hopefully we won’t hear any more of that, this year.  Because this year top athletes from OTHER countries will be invited to compete. The Scam Cup hasn’t been won by a foreign athlete since 2001, when Russian Elena Zamolodchikova took the title.  But I’m hopeful because this year World All-Around Champion Aliya Mustafina of Russia and some other good athletes like world champion Lauren Mitchell of Australia and Huang Quishang of China will be competing.

How will it all go down?

Musty: "Woah, wait, American Cup? I thought you said I'd be going to the RUSSIAN Cup!"

I hope that either Aliya or Huang will kick the Aly Raisman and Jordyn Wieber’s (the Americans) asses, but I’m bracing for Aliya to be in less-than-fit form.  She always seems to do fantastic at the important meets, but tends to perform somewhat lackluster routines in smaller meets.  The latter may be the case, as it will be the first real meet of the season for her.

Huang is the very definition of a  headcase.  So honestly I don’t know if she’ll do an amazing job, or fall off every apparatus. I hope she can do well because she is a lovely gymnast.

Lauren Mitchell is solid, with an interesting beam routine, and a good floor (she won the world title), so she might have an outside chance if Musty and Huang aren’t at their best.

Aly is supposed to be performing her Amanar, which we’ve seen once, with a nice splat.  She also plans on competing a piked double arabian on floor.  We’ll see if she can keep it piked.  I guess good for her, but she’s just such a blah gymnast.

Wieber's bestie Marta may have already paid off the judges for a US win.

Wieber will be competing all-around for the first time since whenever she was last injury-free, which was quite a while ago.  She was reportedly upgrading bars, but at the recent WOGA classic, her bars looked pretty weak and she fell off beam.  It looks as though she’s grown and isn’t really in shape to take the title, but who knows.  If Musty is down and Huang takes herself out, I’d probably bet on Wieber.

Even if the SCAMerican Cup ends up being as corrupt as usual, at least it means that the gymnastics season has started, and we have a lot more to look forward to.  So send all your good vibrations towards Aliya, Mitchell, and Huang, and let the games begin!

-Lena

Cutting Locks With Shushunova

Training, Shushunova, and Broken Locks

So everyday I have been swimming.  The best part isn’t even swimming though, it’s that the lifeguard is Yelena Shushunova’s doppelgänger, circa 1988! Hair and all.  I LOVE it, because let’s face it, Shush is awesome.  If the lifeguard looked like Carly Patterson, I would be scared and probably drive half an hour to the next closest pool.  It’s hard to explain, but when you have “Shush” looking over you, you HAVE to work hard.  It’s like an insult to her if you don’t.

The fierce Shush

Last night Shush and I got a little bit closer.  My stupid $5 lock I bought at Staples in Canada broke. While locked and very much attached to my locker, which contained my clothes and car keys.  So who do they send in to help me pry it off?  Shush of course!  Who better to break off a lock with pure strength?

Now I know that my lifeguard is probably not in any way related to Shushunova, and is quite possibly not even Russian, but what if she was?

I know this isn’t much of a piece, but I just wanted to say that I now have my own personal Shushunova. Although this could develop into a whole story about Shushunova, you never know.  And I would also like to add that the guy sitting next to me in the library is speaking Russian.  Nice!

-Lena

Folk Dance?

America’s Own Folk Dancers

The other day I was reading “Floor Gems” on thecouchgymnast.com all about the great folk dance floor routines over the years.  The gymnasts included in the article were Elena Naimushina, Yelena Shushunova, Ekaterina Lobaznyuk, Sandra Izbasa, Daniela Silivas, and Yang Yun. Did you notice they are all either Russian, Romanian, or Chinese?  There’s not a single American, and I just think that’s plain unfair.

Traditional Russian Folk Dance

Now you might be thinking of course there are no Americans, because we don’t have folk dance!  But I would like to counter that argument, because I believe that Americans too have their own traditional dances. To start, let me tell you what I believe folk dance to be.

A folk dance tells a story, or the history of a culture.  I think many Americans have conveyed the “American Spirit” through their bodies. Gymnasts have too.  The only real difference is that our folk dance is more modern than other culture’s because we are a relatively new nation.

Now I’m unfamiliar with American folk dance terminology, but I’ll try my best to identify the different types of folk dance we commonly see in American gymnastics.  Here’s a brief history of folk dance in USA gymnastics:

The Butt Wiggle

The butt wiggle is a great American tradition in which the butt is utilized as a symbol of the American mentality.  It shows how Americans are so rushed and tend towards the ridiculous compared to other societies, such as the French.  It has been a recurring theme seen throughout American dance history, and still crops up in modern American pop culture.

Kim Zmeskal, the originator of US gymnastics folk dance

With the 1992 release of the popular song “Baby Got Back” (also known as “I Like Big Butts”) I think that Kim Zmeskal and Bela Karolyi were inspired to create a floor routine that really embodied traditional American dance that they could take to the Olympics.  So while Shannon searched for wailing Hungarian violins, Kim found “Rock Around the Clock“, an ode to the American butt wiggle tradition. Notice the embellished butt wiggle work done low to the floor, and the nice finishing twirl with a classic butt shelf.

The phenomenon grew exponentially

Butt wiggling at its finest.

Unfortunately the judges were not impressed with Kim’s American folk dance, and Shannon was the one who came home with all the medals.  It’s unfortunate, but it’s a common phenomenon we see where the frontrunners of society (and gymnastics) are alienated and even feared.  Kim forged the path for many generations of American gymnasts to come in the butt wiggle tradition.

Four years later, Bela had brought up another little butt wiggler by the name of Dominique Moceanu. As with everything, practice makes perfect, and Dom’s butt wiggle was no exception.  Dominique took Kim’s dance to a whole new level, even bringing “the devil down to Georgia”.  Dominique gained a lot of fans and admirers for folk dance, but even she could not match the individual medal count of Shannon Miller.

The butt wiggle has grown though, and is much more accepted.  In fact, the butt wiggle is still commonly practiced.  Recent wigglers include Sam Peszek, Hollie Vise, Chellsie Memmel, Alicia Sacramone, and Shayla Worley.

The Butt Shelf

As gymnastics became more and more a competition of who could throw the most tumbles in one routine, gymnasts lost the motivation and time to learn how to dance.  So they took the butt wiggling skills and perfected the butt shelf. The butt shelf embodies the busy and careless American lifestyle that we so commonly experience.  The absence of pride, care, and ownership is displayed through this new dance move.

The new 10: the perfect butt shelf.

A few gymnasts in particular have absolutely perfected the butt shelf that I would like to discuss:

Nastia- Does her butt shelf earn a 10?

Nastia Liukin, the 2008 Olympic all-around champion, perfected butt shelves to a level unseen before.  She even worked her back flexibility to be able to reach poses that “shelved” even further than once thought possible.  Nearly every movement in her floor routine was either a butt shelf or ended in one.

Her dad’s Russian work ethic really added something to her folk dance, and probably made the difference in her earning the gold medal.

Alicia's signature move...oops I almost put in a picture of her falling.

Alicia Sacramone on the other hand, has developed her very own signature butt shelf.  It includes rubbing her thigh and wearing a come-hither facial expression.  She says it displays the vapid, shallow mentality of American society.  She says that while it borders on pornography, she doesn’t mind because it really captures the American culture.  She even once thought of submitting it to the FIG to add to the code of points. This pose is possibly what gave Alicia both the illusion of expressive dance and her devoted fan base of folk dancers.

Will we honor our folk dancers?

I think that we should take these girls into consideration when we talk about the best folk dancers in the world.  They capture the essence of America in their choreography and show the entire world what we stand for through their movements, which is exactly what folk dance is meant to do.  The great American folk dances have even spread to other nations, as seen through the choreography of many other gymnastics teams.

Here’s a video of “buttoreography” (aka butt wiggles and shelves and other folk dances):

To learn more about butt shelves, butt wiggles, and other folk dances, visit the USA Gymnastics site.

-Lena

Best of Floor

Here’s some of my favorite floor routines.  Sorry there are so many, but I have a hard time choosing favorites.  This list is in a haphazard order and by no means exhaustive.  I’m positive I’ve left off some fabulous routines.  All the same, enjoy, and see if you see any of your favorites! (This is also a link at the top menu)

Floor Exercise

Irina Baraksanova (USSR)

• 1984- My absolute favorite routine of ALL time. I love the grace, the music, the expression, the fluidity, and there’s even some pretty great tumbling runs. Here’s her routine from the Alternate Games in Olomouc in 1984. It’s black and white, but has the best tumbling runs.

• 1986 Routine- Also has great expression and dance.  Love her!

 

 

 

 

Naimushina's charming routine

 

Elena Naimushina (USSR)

• 1980 Kalinka Routine- FABULOUS dance.  Definitely an all-time favorite.  I think the dance and charm is at least on par with Omelianchik’s routines.  She’s overlooked sometimes though.

Svetlana Boguinskaia (USSR/BEL)

• 1988 Carmen Routine- So dramatic! I love the music, the drama, the expression, the bitchface!
• 1989 “Guitar” Routine- Classic Bogi.
• 1988 Compulsories- I loved the compulsory floor routine in 88 and she performed a lovely routine.
• 1986 “Double-Double”-Baby Bogi was fierce.  A double-double AND nonstop dance.  Here’s the same routine in better quality (1985), but with simpler tumbling.

Simona Amanar (ROM)

• 1996 Nutcracker Routine- I’m pretty sure her tumbling here is better than any present day gymnast.

 

 

 

 

Onodi's West Side Story

 

Henrietta Onodi (HUN)

• 1992 West Side Story- You’ve gotta love her for this!
• 1992 Hungarian Rhapsody- Such great music, choreography, and tumbles.

Tatiana Ignatova (USSR)

• 1992 Euros- Beautiful dance.  Unfortunately she was left off major teams because of inconsistency. I don’t know why, but her floor music often gets stuck in my head.

Yelena Shushunova (USSR)

• 1988 Olympics- Such power and confidence.  While not the most graceful dancer, she still paid attention to detail and was such a great performer.

Natalia Frolova (USSR)

• 1986 Kraft Invitational- Beautiful dance- one of the best.

 

 

 

 

Khorkina

 

Svetlana Khorkina (RUS)

 

• 1994 Carmen Routine- Beautiful! I love young Khorkina.
• 1997 Worlds- Graceful beyond belief.
• 2000 Olympics- So dramatic.  Even the tumbling is choreographed to the music!
• 2003 Worlds- Grace, drama, and I adore the ending.

Natalia Ilienko (USSR)

• 1981 Worlds- One of the most elegant performers ever.

Gina Gogean (ROM)

• 1992 Euros- Fast, fast, fast, and adorable.  Lively dance and great tumbles.
• 1996 Olympics- She has good dance technique and great tumbling.

Elena Davydova (USSR)

• 1980 Olympics- The charming routine that beat Nadia.  Need I say more?  A year later she performed this routine beautifully for her team after breaking her neck(!) in warmups.

Silvia Mitova (BUL)

• 1992 Blues Routine- Lovely tumbling and dance.  Seriously underrated.

Aurelia Dobre (ROM)

• 1987 Worlds Routine- One of the best gymnasts ever.  Had she not been injured in 88 I wonder what would’ve happened.

Olga Mostepanova (USSR)

• 1983 Nutcracker Routine- Amazing choreography.
• 1980 Flight of the Bumblebees- Even at 10 or 12, whatever they listed her age as.. she was such a great dancer and had some pretty good tumbling.

Lilia Podkopayeva (UKR)

• 1996 Olympics- I love the toe point and the double front half out.

Natalia Shaposhnikova (USSR)

• 1980 Saber Dance- Daring tumbles for the time and great dance.
• 1979 Routine- Charming dance and daring tumbles.

 

 

 

 

Groshkova

 

Tatiana Groshkova (USSR)

• 1990 Routine- Her double full-in is AMAZING.  I love her choreography too.  I could go on all day about her.

Tatiana Gutsu (USSR)

• 1992 Euros- An amazing split-leg double layout! It’s too bad she was too injured in the Olympics to get it fully around, but I guess that didn’t stop her.

Elena Mukhina (USSR)

• 1978 Worlds- All the grace of a ballet dancer and a full-in. The first for a woman, and it was even on the old floor.

Oksana Omelianchik (USSR)

• “Birdie” Routine- The most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. I love the back-to-back tumbling.
• 1987 Worlds- Love the tumbles and the dance.

Ksenia Semenova (RUS)

• 2009 Euros- She’s one of the best dancers out there today.  Such attitude!

Alina Kozich (UKR)

• 2004 Olympics- Elegant, beautiful, artistic.  Great double front.  Take note Nastia…

Anna Pavlova (RUS)

• 2008 Exodus Routine- I love the music, the dance, the power, the double layout! Without a doubt, the best routine in Beijing.
• 2004 Olympics- Power and grace, so rare today.  Another gorgeous Pavlova routine.

Maria Olaru (ROM)

• 2000 Olympics- The music’s so fun.  Her dance is actually somewhat Boguinskaya-ish

Ekaterina Lobaznyuk (RUS)

• 2000 Olympics- She’s so cute.  Adorable dance and difficult tumbles.

Camelia Voinea (ROM)

• 1986 “Breakdancing” Routine- Groundbreaking dance and awesome tumbling.  You can even see that all the guys waiting around to compete are watching.

1989 USSR Worlds Team:

The best floor lineup in history, and most likely the best team in history. Elena Sazonenkova didn’t do floor here but she was also wonderful.

• Natalia Laschenova- Huge double layout right back to a double back!
• Olessia Dudnik- Beautiful choreography.
• Svetlana Boguinskaia- Her classic guitar routine.
• Olga Strazheva- She spends half of it on the ground, but it’s still awesome.
• Svetlana Baitova- I think she was the most underrated here.  Her routine is gorgeous.

Lena 

Cold War Chronicles: The Headcases

Tatiana Groshkova vs. Vanessa Atler
Both these gymnasts were throwing the hardest tricks and were among the most promising athletes out there, but never made it to the big-time stage because of inconsistency. Groshkova only made it to the European Championships and Atler, pegged as THE American hope for Sydney never made it past the World Championships.
Tanya

Tatiana

“The young protégé of Elvira Saadi”, Tatiana, had the misfortune of competing for the Soviets in the 1989-1992 quad, when the Soviets were strong. And I mean STRONG. The Soviets had an over-abundance of talent those days, with athletes like Boguinskaia, Laschenova, Strazheva, Dudnik, Lyssenko, Kalinina, Gutsu… you get the picture.  They all had difficulty, grace, and consistency.  But that doesn’t mean that Tatiana wasn’t perhaps one of the best gymnasts to ever grace the floor mat.  When she was on, she was ON.  If she hit on beam or floor she was by far the best.  She was fantastically artistic AND had world class difficulty.  Here’s some highlights of her routines:

Floor:

• Double full-in back-out (best skill ever, and I believe is much harder than a normal double-double)
• Double layout (alternate element for her double full-in)
• Whip to immediate double back, or a double back punch front
• Dismounted with a full-in piked.
• She also had amazing choreography, flexibility, and a really great 1-1/2 spin in attitude right into a back walkover.

Here’s one of her floor routines- perhaps the best floor routine in history:

Beam:

• Bhs-full-twisting layout
• Sideways bhs (later named the Tousek) to Yurchenko loop
• Dismounted bhs-bhs-full-in.
• Here as well she had great leaps, choreography, style, flexibility, and a beautiful mount.

Here’s a beam routine from her- also perhaps one of the very best beam routines in history:

Bars:

• Gienger
• Toe-on to 1-1/2 twists on lower bar (not sure what to call it)
• Comaneci salto
• Dismounted a full-in

Maybe not her best event, but still very good, fast, and difficult:

Vault:

• She didn’t stand out here, but had a nice full twisting yurchenko, and it was plenty difficult for the time.

Overall an AMAZING gymnast.  She’s definitely one of my all time favorites.  If she could’ve gotten it together and hit all her routines, she would’ve been unbeatable.  Unfortunately, I think her routines were simply too difficult for her to compete with consistency.
Vanessa

Vanessa Atler

Vanessa was supposed to be the shining star for the US in the 1997-2000 quad.  Unfortunately for her, this quad still emphasized the all-around.  Vanessa was world class until she met the bars.  She always seemed to crack on the bars, and it ultimately kept her off the 2000 US Olympic squad. But maybe that was lucky for her, because that squad was really an embarrassment, especially after the Magnificent 7.

Many fans revere her as one of America’s best gymnasts.  She was well liked for her blend of artistry and power.  I tend to think that she wasn’t all that artistic, but pretty good for an American I guess.  I just never liked her floor routines the same way others did.  She tried to be more balletic than she was capable of in my opinion.  Her movements seemed spastic and didn’t always fit the music.

BUT Vanessa too had some great difficulty:

Vault:

• On vault Vanessa competed a double twisting Yurchenko and a Rudi:

Beam:

• Punch front mount
• BHS-BHS-Layout (straight)
• Punch front
• Double back dismount

Bars:

This event just tended to be a disaster, so I’ll just post a routine:

Floor:

• Double layout – punch front – stag leap
• Whip – double pike
• Triple twist

Here she wins the 1998 Goodwill Games Floor EF (I think Amanar should’ve won, considering they had about equal dance, and Amanar had four great tumbles, but I guess she’ll just has to settle for 2 Olympic medals on floor…)

My Two Cents
I love, love, love Tatiana Groshkova.  It’s a shame that she didn’t compete up to the level of her difficulty.  She’s just absolutely gorgeous in every way.  I love her style, her crazy insane moves, her finesse, her lovely dance, her everything.  Her beam and floor are easily among my top 5 favorite routines ever.  I just really don’t think that Atler was ever in the same league.  I do think that Atler was good, and it’s really too bad that she couldn’t do bars, because the US definitely needed someone as good as her for their “team” in Sydney.

There’s no doubt about it, Atler was good, but I never got that special something from her performances.  They never stood out to me or wowed me the same way someone like Groshkova did.  The first time I saw Groshkova’s double twisting full-in my jaw literally dropped.  I just kept re-watching her beam and floor routines over and over because they were THAT good.  Atler was impressive, but nothing that made me hit replay.

Lena