Reason #112 To Love Canada
You’ve probably never thought about Canada and gymnastics in the same sentence unless you were bad mouthing Elfi Schlagel. Oh who am I kidding, you probably do that all the time! But I found a reason to talk about Canadian gymnastics. I normally only watch Russian and Romanian gymnasts, and as many American routines as necessary to not sound like a complete idiot, but I wanted to share a little about another team that is becoming near and dear to my heart.
Maybe it’s just because I’ve spent a good amount of time up in the great north that I want to love Canadian gymnasts, but I think Victoria Moors is reason enough. I honestly don’t know much about the Canadian team but I looked a few of them up on floor exercise (I think it tests their performance quality and personality best) and so far I can’t find anything bad to say.
I’m sure they’re lacking in amanars, and probably even double twisting yurkchenkos, but honestly who cares? I know they’re not really getting anywhere near the medals, but that’s probably just because they haven’t learned how to code whore their routines yet. And that’s also what makes them great. I saw personality, but I also saw double-doubles, triple twists, double arabians, and double layouts. In my book that matches Aly Raisman and then some. I’d rather watch these girls all day long. Maybe their third pass is weaker, or they didn’t figure out how to jam in 6 leaps instead of dance, but hey, they look good doing it and that’s all I really care about.
I will say they seem to all have this grinning-syndrome, but that’s probably just because they’re from Canada (if you don’t know much about Canada, they’re really just a country full of polite push-overs who talk like they’re from Minnesota eh. Except the French Canadians, they can be douches…)
Let’s take a look and do some comparisons:
Meet Mikaela Gerber, she dances to Rite of Spring. If you’ve never seen that “ballet”, it goes something like this: people running around spazzing out. She does an interesting enough job though and throws in some tumbling. It might not match Olga Strazheva’s 1989 masterpiece, but hey this ain’t 1989 and it definitely ain’t the Soviet Union (no, universal healthcare does not equal communism America).
Let’s take the “spaz” of the 2012 US team and compare. I present to you Gabby Douglas:
First off, notice how Mikaela starts off with a display of complete control over her body as she maneuvers her leg through various positions. Gabby starts off by stumbling out of her first pass. Mikaela’s tumbling isn’t quite as dynamic, but she manages a decent double arabian and manages not to stumble out of it. Also remember she comes from CANADA. Gabby proceeds to flail around to her eurotrash mashup track, which I don’t care what you say, is fit for the gay clubs of Germany, not a gymnastics meet. Mikaela displays excellent taste in choosing the classic Stravinsky’s Rite of Spring. She does the piece justice by performing in modern balletic style to match the music. Although I guess you could say Gabby does her music justice, as she performs the way a drunk 18 year old would her first time out at the club.
Next up is Kristina Vaculik, who’s tutelage under the great Soviet champion Yelena Davydova shows. She’s been around for a few years, and I took note of her after I caught a beam routine from her. She was decent even when she first emerged in 2008, but she only seems to have gotten better. Her artistry really has blossomed and she’s quite fluid and pleasing to watch.
Let’s compare to say, Kyla Ross:
Yeah, if you made it through Kyla’s routine, you beat me. She’s so boring! Kristina moves with ease and poise. Kyla walks around attempting to hit poses that will… I don’t even know. It’s not like I actually watched her. Kristina has obviously done some work in ballet, which believe me helps! I don’t care if you want to do a hip-hop routine, you should still take ballet. It gives you all the basics to move well and hold yourself with poise.
Let’s move on to Christine Lee, who I think fans call Peng Peng Lee often. She’s a crowd pleaser. She oozes personality, and has a gorgeous double layout, but what I love most about her routine is how she keeps it moving. All the movements flow one into another, and she doesn’t have that so typical start-stop routine.
Compare to say, Aly Raisman(why do I even bother):
Aly’s always struggled to put any sort of personality into her routine, and this one is probably as close as she ever got. It still wasn’t good. She tumbles more than anyone, but even that doesn’t impress me much. Honestly, Christine’s double layout is as gorgeous a move as I could ever ask for, and I’d take it any day over Aly’s craptastic form. Aly is a perfect example of a start-stop routine though. Watch how she moves around a bit, poses, and stops. She doesn’t dance. Christine on the other hand owns the floor, and moves fluidly throughout. Aly looks like she’s ready to pass gas the entire time.
And finally, I present to you Victoria Moors. Now Moors is the real deal. She is a medal threat. She has difficulty, choreography, and grace to back it up. She trains under Elvira Saadi, the 1970s Soviet champion who was on the very same team as Olga Korbut and Ludmila Tourischeva. She knows what grace is, and she teaches it to her pupils. Just enjoy this (and try to block out Tim and Elfi’s blathering- note Elfi is not a good example of Canadian behavior):
Remind you of anyone? Maybe another young protégé of Elvira Saadi? Yes, she is very reminiscent of one of my ABSOLUTE favorites Tatiana Groshkova.
I couldn’t even fathom comparing this to an American, so instead we get to watch two pretty routines! Victoria and Tatiana open with variations of the same tumbling run (maybe it’s a Saadi trademark?), and it’s one of the hardest in the books. Both move through their choreography with ease. What I like best is how they integrate turns into their dance. They don’t stop and wind up for it, as everyone else seems to. In fact they both have turns that are part of the dance and aren’t just another element for the sake of being an element. I think you get true artistry when you can make the elements part of the performance. I remember some documentary that featured Tatiana, and it seemed as though Elvira was a bitch to work with. She got results, but I wonder if it’s the same today. Would that float in Canada? It seems that even though she’s not in the USSR, she hasn’t lost her touch.
So there you have it, another country that doesn’t suck. If it weren’t for the rhinestone maple leaf on their leotards I would think they were Russian. I’m not sure why America can’t seem to produce half as artistic routines as Canada. I mean come on. Canada doesn’t even have as many people as the state of California and half of it is covered in permafrost. I would think that we would have the upper hand here. I think it’s just because Canada doesn’t play the code-whore game. They still have their integrity. Hell, it’s like they’re stuck in the 90s, and I like it.
UPDATED: Gymnastics Documentaries/Films
Update: I’ve updated this list to include new documentaries that have surfaced!
Links to some informative (and some not so informative) documentaries, movies, and training videos about gymnastics.
Documentaries
Soviet Union, Russia, and Ukraine:
Looks at the 2004 Olympics. In depth interview and footage of Anna. Three parts, Russian language.
1987 documentary following the gymnasts coached by Elvira Saadi (former Soviet olympic medallist). Features a young Tatiana Groshkova. Russian language with English subtitles. Somewhat poor sound quality, but worth watching.
“Close Up”: 1989 European Championships
Looks at the experiences of the gymnasts (not all Soviet) at the Brussels European Championships. Features footage both in and out of the arena. I believe it is Dutch language.
Documentary About Anna Bessonova
Focuses on Ukrainian Rhythmic olympic gymnast Anna Bessonova. In Russian (possibly Ukrainian), in 2 parts.
Evgenia Kanaeva: Can’t Be Better
Documentary on Olympic Rhythmic gymnastics champion Evgenia Kanaeva. Russian with English subtitles in 4 parts.
Focuses on Lilia Podkopayeva, looking both at her gymnastics career and post-gymnastics career (from 2006). Ukrainian/Russian language.
Ludmilla Tourischeva Documentary
Follows Tourischeva’s career. Russian language.
Footage of Natalia training and talking about training. Also revered for soundtrack. Russian language.
Critical look at the Soviet system shortly after the fall of the USSR. Features interviews with former gymnasts, and looks at Tatiana Groshkova’s training. Looks into Elena Mukhina’s injury. Hosted by Frank Gifford in English language.
Oksana Chusovitina Documentary
What’s interesting here is that this could be filed in the miscellaneous category, as Oksana’s competed for not only the USSR, Unified team, Uzbekistan, but Germany as well. This 2011 German television documentary focuses on Oksana’s long career. In German with English subtitles, 1 part.
Follows Olga’s life in gymnastics and post-gymnastics career. British English (English subtitles with Russian interviews.
Documentary on Olga’s training gymnastics career. Russian language (no subtitles).
Looks at Olga’s life and gymnastics career. Russian language.
Romania vs. USSR Gymnastics Documentary
2001 Documentary describes the gymnastics rivalry between the USSR/CIS/Russia and Romania from the dominance of the Soviets in the 50s and 60s, the rise of the Romanians in the 70s, their duels in the 80s to the changes in the 90s due to the collapse of the Soviet Union until today (2001). Features interviews with: Leonid Arkaev, Octavian Belu, Nellie Kim, Nadia Comaneci, Svetlana Kuznetsova, Oksana Chusovitina, a historian and others. German with English subtitles, in 4 parts.
History of the battle between Russian and Romanian gymnasts. Covers from Soviet/Nadia era to present day (2004-2005). Features training and competition footage. French language.
Slomannie Kukolka (“Broken Dolls”)
About the Russian training System. Looks at flaws in the system and focuses on the injury of Maria Zasypkina. Includes interviews with Russian gymnasts such as Svetlana Khorkina and Anna Pavlova. Russian language (Starts at part II, there appears to be no part I).
Svetlana Khorkina Documentary (2003)
A look at Khorkina’s career over the years up until 2003. Interviews, training footage, and competition footage. In Russian, one 30 min segment.
Team Russia Gymnastics Training for 2012 Olympics
Features Aliya Mustafina and company, while training for the 2012 games. In Russian with English subtitles.
Russian and British gymnasts trade places and train in the other’s respective gyms. Features a young Anna Pavlova. 5 parts in English (only 3 available on youtube.)
1978 Soviet Documentary: “You in Gymnastics”
Focuses on training of the Soviet team. Great footage of Elena Mukhina and worth watching. Russian language.
1983 Soviet Gymnastics Documentary: “Inside the Gym”
Looks into the training and competition of Soviet gymnasts of the time. Focuses on MAG and WAG. Great look at Natalia Yurchenko. Originally Russian language, features English commentary. Watch in full here, or in parts on YouTube.
1986 Soviet Gymnastics Training at CSKA
Home video from a rare day when cameras were allowed into the Soviet’s gym. Intense floor training where the coach is right in the gymnast’s face. 9 parts.
A home video of the teams (US and mainly USSR) practicing and warming up before the meet. Includes Laschenova, Lyssenko, Gutsu, Chusovitina, Miller, Zmeskal and many others.
A rare day when cameras were allowed in Round Lake. Watch in multiple parts on YouTube here or in full here.
1992 Soviet Training Documentary
Looks at Round Lake presumably before the 1992 Olympics. Shows portions from the Olympics compared with training. Features WAG and MAG. French language (gymnast interviews in Russian with French subtitles).
Looks at the 1994 Rhythmic Gymnastics world championships. Shows portions of the competition. 6 parts in French.
Romania:
Documentary about Romanian gymnast Nasia Comaneci and the first perfect 10 in Olympic Gymnastics. 2 Parts in English.
From the mid-eighties. Features Nadia coaching, and shows Silivas. Five parts, British English narration.
Follows the team preparation for Beijing. Looks at Deva, both training in the gym and life outside it. Explores the new culture and freedom in Romania, also focusing on the new coaches (Forminte, who was recently replaced by Belu & Bitang). Eight parts, in Romanian with English subtitles
Two parts, training from the 2003 Romania vs. France competition.
Romanians in the 1984 Olympics
Features the Romanians from the 1984 Los Angeles Olympics. English commentary, four parts.
From 2004, includes training from past and present. Three parts, in Romanian with English subtitles.
Follows the current Romanian gymnast Raluca Haidu at age 8-9 and her teammate Malina Savoaia at 9-10 years old. Looks into the training of young gymnasts at Deva. Romanian language with English subtitles.
Follows Milo’s preparation for Atlanta. Focuses on Milo’s maturing and changing body, and the fight against time (and puberty) in gymnastics. Looks at the physics of gymnastics. Done by the Discovery Channel in English.
China:
A story of 8 Chinese girls and Russia’s Svetlana Khorkina. Focuses on the battle between Khorkina and chinese bar workers. Chinese language with an English translation in the description box.
Follows Cheng Fei up to the 2008 Olympics. In four parts in Chinese language. The poster has included a thorough English translation for each part in the description box.
A young Chinese gymnast is profiled. In Chinese.
In depth look at Liu Xuan. Three parts in Chinese.
Rare look at this gymnast in four parts. French language with Dutch subtitles.
Includes training and competition footage. In four parts in Chinese language with English subtitles.
Looks inside the Chinese training system. Follows Jin Yang’s bid for the Beijing Olympics. From the Discovery Channel in three parts.
USA:
Interviews and footage of the Magnificent 7. Made in the 2000s. In English, five parts.
From 1986, about Bela Karolyi and his athletes he had coached. Two parts, English.
Discovery Channel documentary focused on biomechanics of gymnastics. Features Parkettes gymnasts and Mary Lou Retton.
“Going Deep” With Vanessa Atler
A 1999 look at Vanessa Atler’s Olympic prospects before Sydney. Also looks at Dominique Moceanu’s emancipation. It’s a criticism of gymnastics focusing on the long hours of training, restriction of food, and delay of puberty.
Two parts, about Tim Daggett and Kristie Phillips.
Nastia Liukin – America’s Olympic Glory Documentary
A look at Nastia’s win in the All-Around.
A six-part CNN documentary on Parkettes in Pennsylvania.
Shannon Miller – “Life in the Gym”
1995, looks at Shannon Miller training in the gym with Steve Nunno. ”Rare” footage.
Looks at the training system of Texans. Training footage. One part.
Miscellaneous:
“Dreaming” Bianka Panova Documentary
A short documentary focusing on Bianka Panova, a Bulgarian Rhythmic star of the 1980s. In 2 parts.
Faster, Higher, Stronger BBC Gymnastics Documentary
Part of a series of documentaries looking at the rise in popularity and landmark events in Olympic competition. This episode looked at the development of gymnastics and the rise in popularity thanks to athletes such as Larissa Latynina, Vera Caslavska, Olga Korbut and Nadia Comaneci. 3 parts in British English.
MTV Italy follows the life of seven elite Italian gymnasts training in Milan, including Olympian Carlotta Ferlito. There are quite a few episodes. This youtube channel seems to have the most complete coverage (from America). In Italian.
“Gymnastics in the Summer Olympics”
About the olympic history of artistic gymnastics (men and women’s) from 1956 to 1996. 16 parts, in French.
Gymnast UK Gymnastics Documentary
Looks at the modern UK team. In 3 parts in English.
Footage of Olympic gymnasts from the the beginning up until Barcelona. Five parts, British English.
2001, featuring Sara Moro, Elena Gomez, Laura Martinez, Esther Moya, and others. In spanish.
From the poster: “A State of Mind is a 2004 documentary film [that] follows two North Korean child gymnasts and their families for over eight months during training for the 2003 Pyongyang mass games.” Eight parts with English.
Feature Films
After School Special: The Gymnast
About a good gymnast who goes to train with the best coaches. Probably modeled after the Karolyis. Decent stunt work for a low budget TV special.
A 1986 gymnastics film with Keanu Reeves (before he was famous). Also called “Flying”.
From the poster: ”Having suffered as a boy under a brutal Communist-era coach, champion Hungarian gymnast Miklos moves to Canada years later in search of a new start – only to find himself unwittingly perpetuating the very same cycle of abuse among his own pupils.”
White Palms (Hungarian: Fehér Tenyér) is a 2006 Hungarian film directed by Szabolcs Hajdu.” In Hungarian with English subtitles.
Rated 17th worst movie of ALL TIME. An 80s action-gymnastics-karate film featuring Kurt Thomas. He has to get in to “Parmistan” and put in some satellite, but there’s ninjas stopping him, so he uses his gymnastics superpowers. 9 parts on YouTube.
A Soviet film about a gymnast who is injured and has troubles adjusting to normal life. Played by gymnast Svetlana Zaspykina, who in real life was forced to quit because of injuries. A very rare film, the only part available online is the final part. So don’t watch if you want to try and track down the entire film, but it’s hard to do so. In Russian, final part only.
About the pressures of gymnastics. The main gymnast develops anorexia.
A TV movie about Nadia, made in 1984 in America. Somewhat accurate, somewhat ridiculous. Appears to be missing the first part on YouTube.
About a gymnast who goes to train with the best coach, but develops anorexia.
A spy movie also about gymnastics, featuring Kristie Phillips.
2006 “blockbuster” (aka high budget for gymnastics) teen film about a former champion Haley Graham’s return to elite gymnastics. Featuring Jeff Bridges and Missy Peregrym. The main stunt double is Isabelle Severino of France. 11 parts on YouTube.
A highly ridiculous TV special about a gymnast (Julianne McNamara) who falls and thinks she is paralyzed.
Informative Montages
Great moments in Romanian gymnastics from Nadia up to recent times.
History of Romanian Gymnastics
Parts 1-4 goes into the history of Romanian gymnastics. Parts 5-7 is about Romanian gymnasts’ life after gymnastics.
Montage of Soviet gymnasts. Part 1 is the faces of Soviet gymnastics. Parts 2-5 explores the different quads. Part 6 is about the successes and part 7 is falls and disappointments. Parts 8-9 are the history of the Soviet program. Part 10-11 is the about the gymnasts’ life after gymnastics.
Helpful guides such as this one show examples of elements from all disciplines, both dance and acrobatics, with name and value in the code. Other such guides go through a certain routine and identify elements, their value and any connection value.
The Rest of the World in the World of Gymnastics
Looks at gymnasts from around the world in different times. This one is about Oksana Chusovitina during her Soviet days. There are also ones about her Uzbekistan and Germany periods.
A Little Bit About Me…
If you’re only here for the gymnastics, feel free to skip this post. If you want to hear all that is my life, read on. Writing is my therapy, so here goes.
Lately my life has been one giant episode of Degrassi. For those of you who don’t know what Degrassi is, count yourselves lucky. It’s basically a Canadian teen soap-opera. There’s a bunch of characters, and shit gets real, all the time. Eating disorders, school shootings, gays, lesbians, transgenders, drugs, sex, STDs, plastic surgery, sexting, rape, abortions, pregnancy, adoption, you name it, they have an episode on it. The original series was Degrassi Junior High back in the 80s, then came Degrassi High and finally Degrassi: The Next Generation in 2001, which is what I mainly know about. I think they dropped the “Next Generation” and it’s now in it’s 11th season.
Anyways, back to my life, it’s been a little Degrassi-esque– that is to say dramatic. I basically failed out of the school I transferred to last semester. I am generally a straight A student and I’ve never actually received anything under a B. Even in 2 years of hard science classes at a world renowned university while being severely depressed and suffering an eating disorder. Oh yeah, and I also commuted 2 hours every day and worked. I’m not sure how it happened, but I completely lost my concentration all together this semester and so I failed 2 classes and now I’m back in Seattle at the UW.
Now I’m barely in contact with my high school peers. I have my new set of college friends. But I do tend to see some high school friends over breaks, so this holiday break I saw an old friend who declared that her new “boyfriend”, now I say “boyfriend” because, he’s actually her girlfriend. Yes, he’s a guy-to-girl transgender. In short, he was born a boy, but feels he’s really a lesbian. I’m not judgmental of transgenders but I won’t really pretend that I understand it. So it was a shock to the system that my friend who drooled over guys far more than I ever did considers herself pseudo-lesbian now.
Oh but that’s not all. This is my favorite. I found out via FACEBOOK. A site I do not like because of it’s pointless and impersonal nature, that my high school boyfriend is now out and gay. Yep, he’s “Interested In MEN”. Not men and women. Just men. And he didn’t tell me. Nope, he just posted it on facebook for all 300 of his closest friends to see.
Now, maybe I sound like a crazy bitch who’s just pissed her ex is gay. But here’s the deal. We’re both 20, and we’ve known each other for 18 years. He’s my oldest friend in the world, and was my best friend since 5th grade. The breakup was mutual, and we almost didn’t. And we remained friends. Maybe not the close friends we once were, but I mean, I saw him about a week before I left Seattle for Montreal. And I skyped him while I was in Montreal. He’s the only person I’ve ever trusted to talk about my eating disorder with. And that was post break up. So even though we’ve drifted apart somewhat, I’d expect him to TELL ME about the BIGGEST revelation of his life.
I’m super liberal, and he knows this. In fact I’m way more liberal than him, so it’s not as if he’d expect me to disown him. In fact his coming out explains a lot. And I would never hold it against him that he dated me even though he’s gay. I understand it’s complicated and all the stigmas associated with open gayness could have attributed to our dating. Hell, I’m happy to hear he’s gay, and it wasn’t me that didn’t turn him on. It wasn’t ME he didn’t care for, it was my GENDER he didn’t like.
I truly believed that he genuinely cared about me, even if he never seemed in-love with me. Now I’m not too sure he cares about me at all. During our year long affair, he never treated me with much respect, but he’s always seemed a good friend and cared about me enough to help me through some of the worst shit of my life. He proved himself trustworthy and seemed to care, so I expected I’d earned the same in return. But this, this I can’t forgive. That he’d just let me find out over the internet? I’m hurt. First off, I think I deserved an explanation about our relationship, and this helps me understand why I was inadequate. But even above that, it’s the principal that we’ve been so close for so long and he wouldn’t even bother to tell me the countless times we talked this past year. I mean, he can’t have come to such a firm conclusion overnight. He had to know at the very least by the last time I skyped him. And I’m sure he’s known for awhile. A head’s up would have been nice bro.
So, I called angry one night, but I couldn’t go through with the angry speech I’d planned at yelling at him. I would just feel too bad. So I deleted him from my life as best I could, and I’m fairly sure he won’t ever bother contacting me being the complete coward he is.
Fierce Five MTV Reality Show
Fierce Five Announces Retirement from Elite Gymnastics
…MTV Reality Show to Follow!
Friday morning an official press release announced that the entire US Olympic squad, dubbed the “Fierce Five” would retire from competitive gymnastics, however they have no intention of disappearing from the media circuit.
Fierce Five in the studio
Reporter (to Aly): ”So how did this happen. Did you get tired of the spotlight of Olympic sport?”
Aly: “Oh no, we love the camera! Why would we end that? We just don’t want to work out anymore, ya know? It’s like, hard work. And well. I could be at college getting fucked by a couple of frat guys, right? (giggles) So we talked to MTV and they’re gonna make a show ’bout us! They, you know, needed something, since Snooki got preggers and Jersey Shore ended of course.”
Jordyn interjects
Jordyn: “I LOVE J-SHORE!!!!! I cried for 4 days when I found out it got cancelled. I didn’t say this at first, but it’s actually why I didn’t make the all-around at the Olympics. I was so sad I just got distracted.”
Aly: ”Yeah. I lucked out. Haha, I don’t watch Jersey Shore, cause you know I’m classy and not from New Jersey. I like 16 and Pregnant though. Anyways, Kyla almost didn’t sign, and they almost went with a show about the Canadian curling team.”
Reporter (to Kyla): “Why didn’t you didn’t sign at first? Are you excited?”
Kyla: “Um I’m pretty excited I guess. I skipped the tour we did after the Olympics, because I was training. My coaches really wanted me to stay. But I really love MTV, so I decided I’d do the series. The last gymnastics I’m gonna do is the American Cup. My coach thinks I’ll win, cause no one ever wins when they not from America. I heard they greased the floor when Mustafina was gonna beat Jordyn so an American could win!”
Reporter raises eyebrows in surprise
Jordyn (laughing): ”Yeah, it was awesome. They let me go ‘chalk’ the floor. Marta really gave me some gooey white stuff though…. Come to think of it, I don’t really know what it was. She said Bela made it (frowns). Anyways, she told me it’s what Khorkina used to make Amanar fall off the bars once… Whoever they are.”
Reporter: “Khorkina and Amanar were two of the best gymnasts the sport ever saw. And I think you’re referring to the 1999 World Championships. For reference, the vault all of you have done is called an Amanar, because she invented the vault.”
Jordyn: ”Yeah, whatever. It worked though. Mustafina fell. And Tim and Elfi even thought she was a diva cause her coach told her not to do that pass. That’s not true though. I don’t speak Russian, but someone told me he was just talking about eating McDonalds. What he really said (taking on Russian accent), ‘You is not eating this McDonalds! You become fat American gymnast who can’t dance if you eat.’ Mustafina just always looks mad-”
Aly interrupts
Aly: ”Yeah, um me and Mustafina are sort of friends. Like we always shake each others hands, and people made fantasy stories about us together. She’s really nice though, even though Tim and Elfi call her a diva.”
Reporter (turning to Gabby): ”We haven’t heard from you yet, and you’re the all-around champion.”
Gabby: “Yeah, well, this whole show has been a blessing. I was going to continue on in gymnastics, but I think this MTV deal was a sign from God. You know, the Olympics just puts you in the record books. MTV is like the real deal. I heard Carly Patterson is still trying to get on there, and she won all-around and got an event final silver! Nastia just dresses like she’s on MTV. Maybe she’ll be on our show?”
Reporter: “So what’s the show going to be about?”
McKayla: ”Well, it’s sort of like other shows on MTV, but it’s going to be completely different. We’re getting our own house that we all live in together. And we got a special written thingy from the government, like Barack Obama you know? (turning to Gabby) Isn’t he your dad or something? Anyways, we’re allowed to drink and smoke weed and stuff. Otherwise it would be a pretty boring show.”
Jordyn: “Yeah, it’s going to be in Las Vegas, and we’re pretty much just going to party on the strip and stuff. I think our job is to be in some Vegas show where we do a little bit of gymnastics and stuff like they do in circus type stuff. Shawn wanted to join the show, but she exceeded the weight limits.”
Aly (giggling): ”I’m super excited, because they’re looking for 3 more roommates to join us. And they’re BOYS! They said on Tuesday that Justin Bieber might be one of them!”
Jordyn (jumping up and down in her seat): “Me too!!! I love Justin. His last name is like Wieber. But Bieber. I call dibs on him.”
Reporter: “Sex, drugs, and drinking? Are you sure you really want to be a part of this? Not long ago you were considered US ambassadors.”
McKayla: “Naw. I mean, we’re done with that. I thought I might do more gymnastics, but my toe still kinda hurts, and I gained some weight on tour. I’ve always really wanted to act, so a TV show is perfect. Mustafina might be competing already, but I’m certainly not going to. I mean, I can make tons of money doing this! Besides imagine how many twitter followers I’ll get…”
Gabby: “I’m not too sure about the whole sex and drinking, but the show we’re supposed to do gymnastics stuff in sounds cool. I don’t want to miss out or anything.”
Reporter (in a dubious tone): “Alright. Well, what’s the show called?”
Aly: “Oh, easy. We all picked out the name. They’re calling it I’m in Flippin’ Vegas! Get it? Like flips, because we’re gymnasts. And it’s in Vegas.”
Reporter: “Hmm well, that’s interesting. Well, we’re running out of time here, but I can’t wait to see your show. Tune in Thursday nights at 8 on MTV this March, and good morning America.”
Honey Boo Boo Child Aims for 2024 Olympics
GEORGIA- On December 11, 2012 the TLC star of hit show “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”, Alana Thompson, better known as the Honey Boo Boo child announced that she would start serious training for the 2024 USA Olympic women’s gymnastics team. Honey Boo Boo currently competes in child beauty pageants, and was first seen on “Toddlers and Tiaras”. Recently, she decided to train gymnastics as her talent, after a long string of losses in the pageant world. Many questioned her ability, pointing out her childhood obesity, and lack of discipline as potential downfalls in her gymnastics. Honey Boo Boo came back with a simple response, “Ain’t nothing to gymnastics. Not like it Redneck games or nothin. I ALWAYS winning.”
Olympics ain’t nothin compared to the redneck games!
USAG claims they welcome the participation of all girls, when questioned as to whether they would consider Honey Boo Boo for future teams. Critics of the decision have already started questioning the Georgia family. The family lives in rural Georgia under a tight budget. Their life is filmed by TLC camera crews who record their every fart and burp. The family sports their white trash nature with pride, participating in the “Redneck Games”, playing games of “Guess who’s breath”, and giving nicknames to the family such as the apt “Chubs”, the pregnant teen “Chickadee”, “Pumpkin”, and “Mama” and “Sugar Bear”. None of the family seems to have any schooling past 4th grade. ”Mama” often shops at the auction, as to score Hostess cupcakes in bulk. Critics wonder if this environment without drastic change can support an Olympic hopeful.
Mama. This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Marta Karolyi, the current USAG head of women’s “artistic” gymnastics, voices concern over the diet of the young Honey Boo Boo. Already overweight and only 7, Alana’s favorite meal is “sketti”, a concoction created by her whale of a mother June “Mama” Thompson. It’s a mixture of spaghetti, microwaved Country Crock (tub margarine/butter), and ketchup. Marta commented “If we feed girls at camp sketti, they so big they put hole in floor! We only feed girls salad. A few girls go rogue though. Shawn always sneaking corn. Other girls is buying corn. Is why we lose in 2008. Alicia eat much corn and gravity make fall off beam and sit down floor.” Alana’s family apparently tried a diet but didn’t see much success.
If Honey Boo Boo can make it to 2024 without reaching 200 pounds successfully, she might stand a chance. She’ll probably be facing some tough competitors come competition time though. Here’s some potential competitors that could knock her out.
- Nastia Liukin, in her 4th failed comeback. This time she will not even make it to the high bar before falling off.
- Oksana Chusovitina, in her 9th Olympics. She’ll be gunning for vault finals again. She’s not sure if she will retire after the 2028 Olympics or keep going. (See her most recent competition here.)
- Shawn Johnson, who cannot be upstaged by Nastia again, will come back again, but she will have gained enough weight, that her knee physically cannot support her anymore. She’ll show up doing floor in an electric wheelchair, like the ones you see fat people at the supermarket use.
- Vanessa Atler. With her mental instability she decides she cannot face living without competing in an Olympics. She’ll come close to matching her performance here:
- Dominique Moceanu. With funds running low after the lackluster sales of her newest book about the Karolyis, she needs a win. She’s already somewhat of a comeback queen, returning after 1996, and trying again in 2006. After her subpar performances, she’ll resort to gymnastics porn like her “post-baby gymnastics routine set to Lady Gaga”:
In a sport littered with well to-do families, is there room for the average white trash family? Here’s a list of famous quotes from Honey Boo Boo herself (taken from the reputable site Wikipedia- kids, don’t listen to your teachers, wikipedia is fine for research papers!).
Famous quotes
- “A dollar makes me holler, Honey Boo Boo”
- “I’m gonna win the whole pageant!”
- “Those other girls must be crazy, if they think they’re gonna beat me, honey boo-boo child!”
- “I rocked my Daisy Duke. . . I showed my belly to the judges. . . Look at this big thing. . . They don’t know a good thing when they see it.”
- “I’ll stop passing gas when I’m dead.”
- “You better redneckognize!”
- “My special juice is going to help me win… My Go-Go Juice is kicking in right now.”
And that’s a pretty accurate depiction of the family.
This story spawned from reading Sarah’s story about Miss America, because apparently McKayla Maroney is judging it this year. Didn’t Justin Bieber do that once? I don’t even know, but go check it out here!
Back to the Olympics
I wrote about the Olympics before they came around, and what I thought (yes biased) would happen. Well, not everything went the way I’d hoped, but let’s go back and analyze what went down.
Teams
Well, I didn’t get the order right, but I got the teams right. China just didn’t have it this time around. The USA definitely dominated. And while I will never like their gymnastics, they were impressive, especially for a young team. Poor Russia. My favorites were good, but really fell apart. Grishina messed up, and badly. They’re lucky they still got silver. Romania was much cleaner. Their bars might suck, but they didn’t implode the same way Russia did. I could keep talking technicalities but that’s boring.
I’m unimpressed with McKayla
The “fab five” or “fierce five” or whatever dumb nickname they use is possibly the most annoying group of people I’ve ever come across. I didn’t expect much coming from five US teenagers, but they’re all so boring and monotoned. McKayla created quite the stir with her face. In my opinion, it’s her unlucky genetics that brought about the face, not the disappointment. Have you noticed that she always looks a bit stuck up?
Russia always brings the drama. Mustafina pleased NBC when she swatted Alexandrov’s hand. DIVA. Not really. I’ve done far worse when I’ve been upset about my performance. The girl just fell off the beam in the Olympic all-around final. She didn’t even yell. Yawn. If you want diva, go look up Khorkina. Komova was the “crybaby”. I don’t love crying, but why in the world do we tear apart a 16 year old girl for crying when she just lost her biggest dreams. It’s not like she stormed out of the arena, and she didn’t even tear off her medals! I know I made a snag at McKayla, but it’s all in fun, and it’s not like I would have been any better if I lost the gold. Sure, she was mad at herself for falling. Komova was mad at herself for falling short too. Seriously, we need to get off our sportsmanship high horses. Good sportsmanship is commendable, and important, but to what point? It’s soooo boring.
Lesbian lovers or Russian? Your call…. go back and check tATu mania at Round Lake!
Romania’s ancient team actually did alright. They didn’t end up with the gold, but hey, bronze is a lot better than no medal. Izbasa and Ponor were great, despite approaching Chusovitina ranks. Iordache didn’t do all that she should have because she was injured. I don’t remember anything about China, but it couldn’t have been great, because they went from gold to nothing in 4 years, with the help of at least 2 veterans. At least this time around no one cried about them all being as young as Kim Gwang-Suk, and I mean how old she is now, not when she competed…. She’s probably turned 14 for the 15th time by now.
Finals
All-Around
The all-around was a disappointment. It promised to be so much better. Larissa Iordache was injured, so she wasn’t even close to the medals. Raisman and her ugly, boring, monotone gymnastics/voice were considered a threat. Wieber didn’t perform to her fullest potential and didn’t up her difficulty, hence being edged out. It’s sad, because she’s really much better than Raisman. Mustafina fell on beam. Komova stumbled on vault. Really, the only gymnast that went clean was Douglas and she won. I still think Komova is a better gymnast overall. She’s more refined, yet still powerful, and arguably could have come out the winner the way she performed. It’s no use arguing though, because once again, the judges picked and in this modern era, beauty means nothing (see Patterson vs Khorkina- although I truly believe Khorkina was robbed, Komova only on my bad days).
Vault
Sandra dedicated her gold to her coach
Event finals were also disappointing in some respects. In vault I was happy because Izbasa won another gold, but even though I don’t like Maroney, I’ll admit she is a stronger vaulter. I would have rather seen Sandra win on floor. It’s always a shame when gymnasts fall, and it’s too bad Maroney will likely never earn an individual gold medal. It’s not keeping me up at night though… Sandra was fantastic though and dedicated her gold to her coach Octavian Bellu. He said she was the first of his many gymnasts to do so. This is noteworthy, as he’s one of the most, and if memory serves me right, THE most decorated world coach in history.
Bars
The only gymnast there worth watching
Bars were great, aside from Komova hitting the bar. Mustafina was great though, and Kexin rallied back to medal contention. Last year, all I saw was her go splat. I thought it was great she came back, and ended up with the silver. Nastia didn’t even show up. Well, I lied, she tried, but splatted her way into the audience after her half-assed comeback. I actually really wish Nastia would have come back for real and made the team. It would make for great stories, and she probably would have screwed team USA out of a medal somehow. Tweddle and her big teeth are not a favorite of mine, but her bronze was sweet. It seemed right that she end her career at home with a medal. It seems like if you stick around the event finals for 100 years they should finally give you something, and she didn’t take away Mustafina’s gold, so I’m happy.
Beam
I hardly remember beam. I just know Iordache was hurt and couldn’t perform here. I was hoping she’d win. Komova faltered if I remember right. Ponor managed to get screwed out of a medal by Raisman’s ugly gymnastics after her coach stumbled around in a daze until he could he heard Bela screeching “Yooou can dooo eettt”. 30 seconds later he figured out he meant file a complaint. 30 seconds after that he found a pen. All of this has to happen quickly mind you. I think the toothless Deng Linlin from China (at least she was back in the day) won. She seemed to be better than the competition though.
Floor
Ponor will always be sexy… and she doesn’t even look 100!
Floor was annoying. I thought Ponor was amazing and should have won outright, but there was no way her score was ever going to touch Raisman’s overscored display of Judaism crap. Oh, ignore my blatant prejudice, it’s all in fun, and I actually liked that she used her heritage. I just wish she didn’t add wolf whistles to her music. This is the Olympics, not a strip club. Izbasa and Afansyeva, my favorites messed up. Mustafina shined though and showed why she was the best gymnast at these olympics. She was never talked about for an Olympic floor medal. As far as we knew, this was a weak event and she didn’t recover all the difficulty after her injury, but she pulled herself together and scraped out a medal. Bravo. This is why she’s my favorite modern gymnast. While Komova may be better technically, Mustafina seems to have heart and determination that other gymnasts just don’t have. She actually got better in a lot of places AFTER tearing her acl.
Overall, these Olympics weren’t bad, but they proved gymnastics is still going downhill and doesn’t look to be changing. What am I saying? Aside from Mustafina and a few other bright spots this thing was a shit show. Gabby can go preach about God picking her for gold all she wants, but I won’t be listening. Luckily, if history prevails Gabby is gone for good aside from a possible failed comeback in late 2016, where she’ll show up fat and with a bad hairstyle falling off the bars. I predict she’ll fall off beam too. Mustafina on the other hand just competed successfully, looking in-shape and showing nice beam and bars, plus a last minute vault. She was thrown in for vault after a teammate was injured, so no difficulty. I’ll leave you with these tid-bits of hope for the next 4 years.
