MISSING LINK FOUND: New Evidence Carly Patterson Is Ancient Monkey?

Carly Patterson is Thought to be the Last Ardipithecus on Earth

February 15, 2011—Meet Carly, the “missing link” found in Plano, Texas, that’s created a huge media whirlwind and will likely continue to draw conclusions among those who study human origins.

In new research published earlier this week by paleontologist Pyotr Pavlovskii in the Russian Journal of Genetics Genetika, new evidence points to US gymnast Carly Patterson as an important “missing link” species in primate evolution.  Pavlovskii and his team have identified Carly as a real living Ardipithecus, an ancient ancestor of the human that was thought to be long extinct.  Pavlovskii and his team say that the discovery of Carly solidifies and proves Darwin’s theory of evolution once and for all.

Monkeys Can’t Do Ballet, Neither Can Carly

Carly can tumble, but is unable to dance.

Pavlovskii says that he first hypothesized Carly was an ardipithecus when he saw her compete in the 2004 Olympics.  He explains, “I saw the American girl Carly who beat Russian Svetlana Khorkina on TV.  I could not understand how she won, and then I realized that she was not fully human.  Carly is more monkey than human you see.  I realized that immediately after I saw her floor routine.  Monkeys can tumble and jump and swing, but have you ever seen a monkey do ballet?  No, because they can’t, and that was what gave Carly away.” Pavlovskii believes that Carly competed so well in gymnastics because “she was completely unaware of what she was doing and ardipithicus can perform monkey-like tricks”.

Pavlovskii explains that he first confirmed that Carly was an ardipithecus after watching Carly’s appearance on the David Letterman show.  He says, “[On the show] Carly was easily manipulated and had a small vocabulary.  This is very typical of ardipithecus because the ardipithecus ramidus has a small brain. Between her behavior and small size, it was enough evidence for me to get funding to move to Texas and start experiments.”

“The ardipithecus ramidus has a small brain”

The ardipithecus is one of the earliest members of the hominin genus, that also comprises of both humans and the common chimpanzee. Scientists believe both humans and chimpanzees to be direct descendants of the ardipithecus.  The most distinguishing characteristic between ardipithecus and humans is the size of the brain.  The ardipithecus ramidus has a small brain, measuring between 300 and 350 cm³. Another distinguishing characteristic is the ardipithecus’ small stature, much like that of the average gymnast.

Pavlovskii explains that Carly is what researchers believe may be the last ardipithecus on earth.  He says that there is ongoing research to find other ardipithecus.  He says an experiment is currently being conducted on another US gymnast Shawn Johnson, who also shows tendencies of the ardipithecus.

Svetlana Khorkina tries to explain what a medal is to Carly Patterson.

Investigations have been conducted on gymnasts all over the world because of their small statures and monkey-like acrobatics, but Pavlovskii says, “In the former and current communist states, all the non-humans have been eliminated.  We were hopeful about the Romanians, because the oldest modern human remains in Europe were found there, but apparently Nicolae Ceauşescu rid Romania of it’s last ardipithecus in 1975 after she proved too stupid to follow orders given by her gymnastics coach Bela Karolyi.”  This just leaves American gymnasts to be studied, but so far the research has shown great success.

When it was revealed to Carly what she was, she said, “You know, it’s kinda funny that you guys think I’m this ‘missing link’ cause I don’t even believe in evolution.  Actually I don’t even know what evolution is… But someone told me it’s not in the Bible so I don’t believe in it. Does it have to do with resurgence?  I still don’t know what that means….”  Patterson was again told what the word “resurgence” means, but she still appeared to be confused.

Carly does not appear to have processed the news yet.  Pavlovskii says that it is unknown how much she will ever comprehend. “I’ve tried to explain nearly 25 times, but she always starts singing the Star-Spangled Banner.  She can’t sing the whole song in the same key, and it disturbs my colleagues.  We think that her last memory is of standing on the podium in Athens hearing it, which is why she constantly sings it. But back on track, she just doesn’t understand everything” comments Pavlovskii.  Watch her sing the national anthem HERE (note key change at “and the rockets red glare…”).

See Carly at the Smithsonian!

After a demonstration for the International Foundation for Science and a 107 city worldwide tour with Pavlovskii and his research team, Carly Patterson will be headed to the Smithsonian, where she will be on display in the Museum of Natural History next to the woolly mammoth.  Tickets to see her on tour are already sold out. Lineups outside the Smithsonian have already formed.

Carly is already being called the “Greatest Discovery In Modern Science” by scientists all over the world. Many say that “missing-link” has been found through Carly, and that it proves evolution once and for all.  Pavlovskii says, “Scientists worldwide acknowledge evolution to be truth.  I believe that after this groundbreaking discovery, evolution will be accepted as truth everywhere.”

And for those of you who are part ardipithecus….

SparkNotes Edition:

• Carly Patterson is an ardipithecus, an ancient monkey that evolved into humans and chimpanzees.
• Ardipithecus have small brains, so Carly can’t comprehend much.
• Carly is the “missing link” which proves Darwin’s theory of evolution.
• In Athens Carly didn’t know what a medal was, and likely didn’t know what was happening.
• Monkeys can’t dance and neither can Carly- therefore she is a monkey.

Bonus:

Watch the floor routine that started the whole investigation!  Notice that Carly seems unable to dance and appears to not quite understand where she is and what’s happening.

Well, I hope you learned loads about evolution and Carly!  Now, raise a glass to science!

Lena <3